Trigger warning: sexual violence, eating disorders, suicide.
I recently posted a tweet I had previously shared on Instagram, and it resonated with tens of thousands of people, particularly women. It was about a lack of support for women in our current society, particularly mothers, and the toll that it takes on us. And how little our struggles seemed to be noticed or cared about. Like most things, there was some backlash. I typically ignore rude comments and block the posters, but I thought diving into the misunderstandings that many people (mostly men) had about this point of view could be helpful.
What do I mean when I say “tired?” And WHY are women so tired? “Tired” encompasses SO MUCH MORE than a good night’s sleep, although sleep certainly is a part of the equation. The mark was missed by those leaving negative comments.
The tiredness comes from the emotional and mental burdens women often carry that are different from what most men experience.
No doubt, men are tired in their own ways. I can’t speak to that because I’m not a man. I am speaking from MY experiences and what I have observed in MY life. Saying that support is lacking for women is not an attack on men…unless you are one of the people who aren’t stepping up for the women in your life. If that’s not you, great! If you want to talk about the lack of support for fathers or men in your own space on the internet, have at it. But don’t blame women like me who are speaking on behalf of what they know to be true in their own life.
For those interested, here’s a breakdown of my thought processes on why women are so tired.
Societal Expectations of Women’s Appearance
There are distinct differences in the way women’s appearance and bodies are viewed on a large scale. It has been this way for as long as any of us can remember. It is not any ONE person’s fault, but it is nevertheless a fact that affects every single person, whether they realize it or not. It’s baked into our culture. The hyperfocus on the appearance of women as a whole persists because, whether it’s obvious or not, women have long been viewed as not having value in their own right. We were treated as less-than, not having the same rights as men, and having our value determined by what we could provide men (such as children and sexual satisfaction). This way of thinking classifies women as objects whose primary purpose is to be used and viewed by others–this is called objectification.
Objectification is different than admiring beauty, it’s deeper than that. Young girls have grown up being taught, either explicitly or implicitly, just by taking in the messages around them, to think about how others will view their appearance. This is called self-objectification. It takes a lifetime for women to try to undo this way of thinking that we have been doing for so long. We are also diligently striving to teach our children and youth a better way, without much guidance at all. It is tiring.
Many of us are torn between two world views: one where we strive to see our worth beyond appearance, and the other where beauty, thinness, light skin, and youth are rewarded in nearly every way. Women’s careers, romantic lives, social connections, and ease and comfort of moving through the world can all be positively or negatively influenced based on appearance…which makes it impossible to ignore.
In a post about self-objectification, Dr. Lindsay Kite and Dr. Lexie Kite (authors of More Than A Body) state:
When we grow up surrounded by appearance-obsessed media’s ‘Weigh Less, Smile More!!’ and ‘Perfect Your Parts, Perfect Your Life!!’ headlines plastered everywhere, those messages rake in billions and get us nowhere closer to real health and happiness. Instead, these messages become so normal — SO unquestioned — that we believe and act as we’re told. The point here is not to villainize makeup or hair care or any industry, but to understand the ways these ever-present messages ask us to view ourselves.
Here are a few more facts that demonstrate the time, attention, money, and mental and emotional effort that are tied to our appearance:
- The lifetime prevalence of eating disorders among women is more than double that in men.
- Older men appear as much as 10 times more frequently than older women in the media (and are generally portrayed much more favorably)
- 92% of cosmetic procedures were performed on women.
- 92 percent of those who get Botox are women
Essentially, women are not allowed to look like they are having a hard time. We are expected to maintain a pleasant appearance and demeanor. We are expected to keep up a facade. Our appearance should not reflect our actual lived experiences. Men are not held to the same myopic standards for appearance. Full stop.
Related Read: I’m Almost 40 And Still Have Body Image Struggles as a Mom
The Impact of Objectification and Dehumanization on Violence Against Women
But there’s an even darker side to this. Dehumanizing women is a fundamental piece of the prevalence of violence against women, particularly sexual violence.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Nearly 3 in 10 women (29%) and 1 in 10 men (10%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by a partner and reported it having a related impact on their functioning.“
According to RAINN, “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed, 2.8% attempted)” as compared to 1 in 33 men (3%). That’s nearly FIVE TIMES greater. To put it another way, 9 out of every 10 victims of rape are female.
While I am not in ANY WAY minimizing ANYONE’S sexual assault (and both men and women certainly need and deserve all the support they can get, and education on sexual violence against men and boys is important), the disparity between genders demonstrates how much more space this takes up in our lives.
Many of us deal with lifelong effects from this, impacting mental health on many levels. RAINN reports that 94% of women who are raped experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) during the two weeks following the rape, with 30% reporting that it persists 9 months after the rape. Here are a few more statistics from RAINN showing how deeply this crime affects its victims:
- 33% of women who are raped contemplate suicide, and 13% attempt suicide.
- Approximately 70% of rape or sexual assault victims experience moderate to severe distress, a larger percentage than for any other violent crime.
- 38% of victims of sexual violence experience work or school problems after the fact
These numbers indicate how MANY other women, friends, and family we know who have experienced this. It’s, sadly, a common part of our lives. I’ve heard the saying before, “All women know someone who has been raped. Yet no men ever seem to know any rapists.” The problem is, they do know them…whether they realize it or not. WE ALL know them. And the fact that eight out of 10 sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim shows how close they are to us, lying in wait. And the vast majority of them will NOT be incarcerated. WOMEN KNOW THIS. We think about it. And it’s tiring.
Need help? Contact The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline.
Emotional and Mental Load in Households
Women experience fatigue in a way that is different than men due to the mental load that is typically carried in households where a male partner resides with them.
For example, women typically complete significantly more household chores than men. One study noted, “women spend around 16 hours every week doing household chores, whereas men do around six. Even when both the man and woman in the studied couples have full-time jobs, the women were found to be five times more likely than men to spend at least 20 hours a week doing chores.”
But digging a little deeper helps us to truly understand what it actually means when we say “mental load.” In a study by Allison Daminger, she described it as cognitive labor:
Cognitive labor entails anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress. Because such work is taxing but often invisible to both cognitive laborers and their partners, it is a frequent source of conflict for couples. Cognitive labor is also a gendered phenomenon: women in this study do more cognitive labor overall and more of the anticipation and monitoring work in particular.
Whether these differences in cognitive labor are natural variations or develop from the influence of our environment (or a combination of both), there is nevertheless a stark difference. And even if a woman and her partner recognize and agree to work on minimizing those differences, it’s a lot of work that takes time and repetition to figure out. Sometimes, years, if ever. And it’s tiring.
The Invisible Unpaid Labor of Caregiving
Beyond the mental load of the household is the mental load of caregiving and raising children. Caregiving is often unpaid, yet the economic equivalent is valued at hundreds of billions of dollars. Those who say that women “don’t work” if they aren’t working outside the home in a paid position are ignoring a mammoth-sized amount of work going on behind the scenes that is being taken for granted.
The thing is, even when women DO work outside the home, the majority of time and energy dedicated to caregiving is disproportionately performed by women.
Here are a few statistics from Forbes:
- Forty-nine percent of employed women in the United States, including 42 percent of working mothers, say they are their family’s main breadwinner
- Women take ten times as much temporary leave from work as men upon the arrival of a child
- Women are eight times more likely than men to look after sick children or manage their children’s schedules
- Women are more likely than men to stop working to care for elderly family members
Caregiving goes far beyond parenting children. Of the millions of adults who provide unpaid caregiving to adults, 56% care for a parent, grandparent, or in-law. 14% are providing care to their adult children.
According to The Family Caregiver Alliance, “75% of all caregivers are female, and spend as much as 50% more time providing care than males.” The average amount of time spent on caregiving is 24.4 hours per week, with nearly 1 in 4 spending 41 hours or more.
Guess what? Taking care of people is tiring.
Physical and Mental Health Issues
Women often have challenges that accompany our unique bodies, and I’m going to highlight the reproductive system because it has had the greatest impact on my life.
There are risks, pains, hormone fluctuations, and childbearing changes that men will never fully understand.
Many women struggle with birth control options, go through fertility treatments, have surgeries related to their reproductive system, endure pregnancy, give birth, breastfeed, experience massive hormonal changes within short periods of time, REPEATEDLY, for YEARS on end, deal with perimenopause for up to a decade, followed by the glorious menopause.
Dealing with this is tiring, both physically and mentally.
There is no societal scaffolding for support through these struggles.
Related Read: 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before My First Baby
Mental Health and Maternal Mental Health
Women in their childbearing years account for the largest group with depression in the United States. This deserves attention.
From the abstract of this research study:
“Epidemiologic data from around the world demonstrate that major depression is approximately twice as common in women than men and that its first onset peaks during the childbearing years.
This difference is predominant across cultures T. Kitamura et al (1993) show that risk factors for developing depression during pregnancy include marital problems, unwanted pregnancy, and a previous history of depression . . . Antidepressants . . . are found to be effective in treating depression. However, only scant information is available on dosing requirements in pregnancy for psychotropic drugs. The effectiveness of psychotherapy as an alternative to medication is demonstrated by various studies. Epidemiologic studies show that women have an increased frequency of all types of psychiatric illness in the postpartum period.“
Weissman MM, Olfson M. Depression in women: implications for health care research. Science. 1995;269(5225):799–801.
Here are a few more statistics from the Maternal Mental Health Leadership Alliance:
- 1 in 5 mothers are Impacted by Mental Health Conditions
- MMH conditions are the MOST COMMON complication of pregnancy and birth
- MMH conditions are a leading cause of maternal deaths
- 75% of women impacted by maternal mental health conditions REMAIN UNTREATED
Managing symptoms along with feelings of shame, stigma, logistical challenges & expenses to access treatment is tiring.
Related Read: What It Feels Like to Be a Mom Who Wants to Die
I’m not here to discuss or argue about every exception to these situations discussed. Common sense should tell you that there are obviously differences between individuals and families. But when you look at society as a whole, the trends are undeniable. And the fact that people still want to argue about this is a real-time demonstration of the lack of support women feel.
If you’ve read this far, I’m impressed. I can’t end this post without expressing how much I wanted to have the exact life that I have right now. I love my husband, I love my kids, and I love what we’ve created together. But I would be remiss if I didn’t share what I’ve learned along the way. That this is HARD. That despite our best efforts individually and as a couple to be prepared for the stresses of life and children, I felt woefully unprepared, shocked, saddened, and angry about the gaps left wide open for women and mothers, and the impact that has in the world around them. It matters. My husband is an amazing partner, and he had to navigate things he never expected, either, like a wife who became severely depressed during her first pregnancy, and never was really the same again. Even with the best of intentions, there are some things you truly don’t know until you experience them.
I’m sharing the areas where I felt let down. Where I felt things could have been a lot better with even a tiny bit more consideration of what we go through. These life experiences have changed me and made me see things differently. I’ll never stop advocating for a better world, and I hope you won’t stop, either.
Sources:
- https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/statistics/
- https://www.morethanabody.org
- https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregiver-statistics-demographics
- https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/
- https://rainn.org/statistics
- https://www.mmhla.org/articles/maternal-mental-health-conditions-and-statistics
- https://www.marieclaire.com/politics/news/a15652/gender-inequality-stats/
- https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/21/parenting/women-gender-gap-domestic-work.html
- https://time.com/5227742/sexual-harassment-equal-pay-wage-gap/
- https://www.forbes.com/sites/maggiegermano/2019/03/27/women-are-working-more-than-ever-but-they-still-take-on-most-household-responsibilities/#7861ab6552e9
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